For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.–Romans 8:38-39

My Husband Tattletaled on Me…to the Dance Teacher!

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Remember the salsa and submission discussion? Well, we actually had the opportunity to take a salsa dance class recently, and it was so much fun! My husband describes some of the lessons we learned about dance and submission here.

One thing in particular stood out to us as we began to dance together. I didn’t realize it at first, but I was holding back our ability to dance well together by anticipating his next move and trying to “go there” before he gave me the appropriate signal. To get us back on track, he actually tattletaled on me to the teacher! This is what we discovered:

 Submission and anticipation are contradictions. Now, this little lesson was eye-opening for me.  For a while, I kept complaining to Kristie that she wasn’t doing what I wanted.  One problem was the close tension issue above.  But another problem was her attempt to anticipate my next move.  She was actually trying to help and dance with me.  But her efforts to “help me lead” were hampering my ability to lead.  Let me say that again for any wives that missed it: Her efforts to “help me lead” were hampering my ability to lead.

I was trying to signal a turn, but she would be millisecond a head of me into a side step.  I noticed something about myself at that point.  First, I was growing irritated and frustrated but didn’t quite know why.  I knew I was trying to do something and, even though she was trying to dance with me, she wasn’t with me.  I’d try again, but it still wouldn’t work.  Second, I kept trying the same “adjustment” rather than something different.  Like, say, talk about it.  I kept saying, “You’re not letting me lead.”  She kept saying, “What are you talking about?”  I’d say, “Stop leading.”  She’d say, “What do you mean?”  When I asked for a little coaching from the teacher, she’d even watch the teacher and try to do the step, too.  Even that frustrated me because I felt like she was interrupting my efforts to learn to lead.

Then I told the teacher on her!  Great move.  Best move all night.  Our salsa instructor pointed out that in no circumstance was she to anticipate my next move.  Anticipating was, in effect, leading–which wasnt’ her role.  Her efforts to “help me lead” were actually blocking my ability to lead.  A marvelous thing happened after that.  We put the healthy tension and closeness in our dance, she stopped anticipating, and I was able to lead.  We danced well together!

Point: Ladies, ask your husband if there are ways you’re trying to help him that seem to hinder his efforts to lead.  That may be an area where your well-intended anticipations actually usurp leadership and ruin the blessing of submission.

Well said by my dear hubby!

Author: Kristie

Kristie is a pastor's wife, mom, Bible teacher, and author of His Testimonies, My Heritage: Women of Color on the Word of God, which will be released in September. She currently serves as the Associate Director of Women's Workshops for the Charles Simeon Trust, helping to equip women Bible teachers. She joyfully supports her husband of almost 28 years, Thabiti, as he pastors Anacostia River Church in Washington, DC. They have 3 children. She has written contributions to the ESV Women's Devotional Bible; Word-Filled Women's Ministry: Loving and Serving the Church; Women on Life: A Call to Love the Unborn, Unloved and Neglected; and Hospitality Matters: Reviving an Ancient Practice for Modern Missions. Her work can also be found at The Front Porch, The Gospel Coalition, Desiring God, Christianity Today, and Revive Our Hearts. You can follow her on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter (@kanyabwile).

One thought on “My Husband Tattletaled on Me…to the Dance Teacher!

  1. Wow, this is a post I needed to read. I’ve always been a take charge type person and my husband is much more laid back, so submission has been a struggle for me. I never really thought about the effects of trying to “help him” lead, but you are right that many of those things have gotten in his way and stopped him from leading and me from properly following and submitting.

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