For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.–Romans 8:38-39

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Learning Submission on I-95

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It was a joy to share with Domestic Kingdom readers, some of the lessons the Lord taught me about submission on I-95! Please add to your blog rolls, readers/feeds and to your prayers!

Here’s a snippet:

When we moved from Washington, DC we took a long road trip down the coast to visit family along the way and have our car shipped to the Cayman Islands. We were embarking on a new phase of life and ministry together.

After visiting family in North Carolina, we decided to stop in Savannah, Georgia (I wanted to go to Paula Dean’s Restaurant) and also in Orlando, Florida (for Disney, of course).

Weeks in advance, I started asking Thabiti about our travel plans. Should I go ahead and book hotels? Where would he like to stay and for how long? What other stops should we make along the way? His response– silence.

Click here for the rest of the post…

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My Husband Tattletaled on Me…to the Dance Teacher!

Remember the salsa and submission discussion? Well, we actually had the opportunity to take a salsa dance class recently, and it was so much fun! My husband describes some of the lessons we learned about dance and submission here.

One thing in particular stood out to us as we began to dance together. I didn’t realize it at first, but I was holding back our ability to dance well together by anticipating his next move and trying to “go there” before he gave me the appropriate signal. To get us back on track, he actually tattletaled on me to the teacher! This is what we discovered:

 Submission and anticipation are contradictions. Now, this little lesson was eye-opening for me.  For a while, I kept complaining to Kristie that she wasn’t doing what I wanted.  One problem was the close tension issue above.  But another problem was her attempt to anticipate my next move.  She was actually trying to help and dance with me.  But her efforts to “help me lead” were hampering my ability to lead.  Let me say that again for any wives that missed it: Her efforts to “help me lead” were hampering my ability to lead.

I was trying to signal a turn, but she would be millisecond a head of me into a side step.  I noticed something about myself at that point.  First, I was growing irritated and frustrated but didn’t quite know why.  I knew I was trying to do something and, even though she was trying to dance with me, she wasn’t with me.  I’d try again, but it still wouldn’t work.  Second, I kept trying the same “adjustment” rather than something different.  Like, say, talk about it.  I kept saying, “You’re not letting me lead.”  She kept saying, “What are you talking about?”  I’d say, “Stop leading.”  She’d say, “What do you mean?”  When I asked for a little coaching from the teacher, she’d even watch the teacher and try to do the step, too.  Even that frustrated me because I felt like she was interrupting my efforts to learn to lead.

Then I told the teacher on her!  Great move.  Best move all night.  Our salsa instructor pointed out that in no circumstance was she to anticipate my next move.  Anticipating was, in effect, leading–which wasnt’ her role.  Her efforts to “help me lead” were actually blocking my ability to lead.  A marvelous thing happened after that.  We put the healthy tension and closeness in our dance, she stopped anticipating, and I was able to lead.  We danced well together!

Point: Ladies, ask your husband if there are ways you’re trying to help him that seem to hinder his efforts to lead.  That may be an area where your well-intended anticipations actually usurp leadership and ruin the blessing of submission.

Well said by my dear hubby!


Salsa and Submission

I love salsa! No, not the stuff you eat with tortilla chips and tacos! I mean the dance. I love the music, the poise of the dancers, and how easy they make it look! I’ve never had salsa lessons, but Thabiti and I have talked about taking lessons for years.

So, I was in conversation with a friend today, trying to explain biblical submission and contrasting it with the world’s skewed view of what submission really means. We’ve spoken on this topic a couple of times now, and she admitted being helped by the discussion. I was satisfied, so we moved on to lighter conversations regarding life and free time and such. I discovered that she loves to dance salsa! Not only does she love the dance, but she even goes to the salsa conventions and attends workshops on everything from rhythm and technique to ladies styling to various turn patterns, lifts and tricks.

I asked her why she loved salsa so much and she began to describe how beautiful the dance is, especially if you have a good partner who knows how to lead well. As she elaborated, she talked about the importance of the man’s leadership in the dance. She said if the guy does not lead well it’s disastrous. The man is to “show the lady”, meaning he makes her fluorish, he leads with gentleness and he leads smoothly without sudden, strong jerky movements. It also means it’s the man’s job to have the choreography in his head, and to lead in such a way that she anticipates and follows through on the couples next moves. The man is responsible for keeping proper tension in the dance, so that the entire dance is elegant and beautiful. The woman wants her partner to lead well. She doesn’t want to have to work to figure out his next moves; her responses come naturally without even having to think consciously about it. She improvises and adds appropriate fluorishes and motions to keep the dance going and to help with smooth transitions.

As my friend described the role of the male leader in salsa, I said to her, “So you do understand submission!” So much of her description fit the biblical pattern of male leadership and female submission. I tried to do a search to find out what makes a good follower in the salsa dance, and there was nothing! This helped me realize that the man’s leadership is crucial to how well she submits. So, I found this article, and thought it basically highlighted what biblical leadership/and salsa leadership looks like (emphasis mine).

• LEADING VS. MAKING. Most girls will be familiar with guys making you do the turns and combinations. After all, when you go home after a night of salsa dancing, you feel that your whole body is sore as you if were beaten by a gang of wild monkeys. Guys! Lead as if you were showing the way, not as if you were making her play catch up. It’s ok to be toned and firm, guys, but not rough. There is a line between those two concepts and believe me, it’s not a fine one. There is a big difference when it comes down to making versus leading. Want to know what kind of lead you are? Do a survey among the girls you dance with. They’ll be happy to tell you.

• BE SPECIFIC. This one baffles me: the guy places the hand up and somehow, by magic, he expects the girl to turn. What kind of dance instructor teaches this concept to their students? Every move has to be specific guys. If you want to move a chair from point A to B, you have to make it happen right? So lead as if you were making the turn happen. But remember: guide vs. make. Be assertive in your moves as if she were to close her eyes and still be able to follow you.

• PUT YOURSELF IN HER SHOES. Guys, guys, guys!! If she is falling after the same turn patterns, or she feels uncomfortable with some of your moves, then don’t do them. Try combinations and moves that help the girl feel more comfortable, and are at her level of dancing. Always adapt to her, without expecting her to adapt to you. It’s funny to see some guys doing the same endless turns until the girl is falling down. You guys, this is not your signal to stop those turns. If she is loosing her balance, don’t keep going on and on.

• IMPROVE YOUR LEAD VS. SHE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO FOLLOW. Changing this perspective will help you see opportunities to be better at leading. Often times, I hear guys make comments like: “I don’t like dancing with her, she can’t follow”. Instead why don’t you say to yourself: “What can I do to improve my lead in this particular move, so that she can follow it next time?” After all you want to improve as a lead right? Then start by working on yourself. Thinking this way helps you be the guy who can lead everybody. And ladies will enjoy dancing with you because of that.

• BE CLOSER TO HER. Let me put it in other words: be within reach. Dance at a distance that will make it easy for you as a lead so you don’t have to be running after her. I suggest a one-foot distance between your body and hers as you dance. You will feel more in control and this will help her feel your lead. In addition to this, don’t over extend your arms when you dance, especially in your open breaks. This creates extra distance between you and your partner, making it hard to reach or lead the next move.

• BE IN TUNE WITH THE WAY HER BODY FEELS AS SHE DANCES. Pay attention to how she feels, her movement, her momentum, her resistance, her body language, her distance, and her styling. You will be able to place combinations and moves that flow and fit the moment versus placing moves or combos for the sake of the move.

• PAY ATTENTION TO THE MUSIC. If you don’t, you are just going through the motion – you are not dancing. Remember that we dance to the music, and so does the girl. You will also be able to coordinate your moves better, and trust me, your dancing will improve dramatically.

• LEARN HOW TO BE AN EFICIENT LEAD, AND THEN APPLY STYLING. Many guys out there get so into the moves and styling that they end up forgetting about leading the girl, or end up confusing her. Sometimes styling can interfere with the girl’s following, so be aware of it. Assertive leading helps you be in tune with your dance partner. Do you feel in tune with the people you dance with or are you just dancing with yourself?

• KEEP LEARNING. Learn other dances: It improves your favorite dance. Think you know it all? Then you must be a world champion and everyone enjoys dancing with you! Not your case? Not to worry! We can all improve and learn new things, even as a professional dancer I will always continue learning. Take some private lessons, work on your technique and try learning a new dance.

And the final one:

• LEARN HOW TO FOLLOW. This is the best thing you could do, if you are really serious about dancing. Do you really want to be exceptionally good at leading? Then practice following. Take your dancing to the next level and understand dancing from the follower’s perspective. True leaders know how followers feel. What better way to know than by being one?

All these little tips will help you get there as a great leader. And always remember: when it comes down to being a successful dancer, the stronger the foundations, the better you will be able to build upon them. So get to it!


I would add my own suggestion to this great list–
• ENJOY THE DANCE! A well-placed compliment, smile or encouragement goes a long way towards making the dance fun for all!

As I reflect on this and try to make application to my own life as a wife desiring to submit to my husband as to the Lord, I’ve learned that:

Submission is hard. It’s especially hard when my desire is for my husband’s position as head (Genesis 3:16) and I want to pursue a different route than the one he deems best for our family.

Submission is for my husband. There are few ways to encourage my husband more than to show my respect for him as a man by trusting him enough to follow his lead. Of course, the Lord is at work, causing him to lead our family in an honorable way, or causing him to learn hard lessons that could only be learned through his mistakes in leading our family. But I must respect him enough to know that his intentions for our family are good, even when things don’t turn out as we’d planned or hoped for.

Submission is for God’s glory. He calls me to submit to Him so that the world would have a glimpse of his headship over the church.

Submission is also for my faith. When I would have chosen a different course of action than my husband, I must trust the Lord to work out His good purposes in that situation.

Submission is for my joy. When my husband loves me with a Christ-like love, giving himself for me, taking interest in my spiritual life, showing tender care and love for me, it brings me great joy. Joy in being his wife, and joy in knowing that Christ’s love for me is infinitely greater having demonstrated His great love toward me in that while I was still in my sin, He died for me.

“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church– for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Ephesians 5:22-33